introduction

i had a lot i wanted to say when i woke up. but now i just feel frustrated and pathetic.

this is a feeling i've been struggling with on and off for a long, long time. for background, i'm a writer. not professionally, yet, but i've been writing fiction for as long as i can remember. i write some nonfiction as part of my job (working in academia, i've gotta get those citation numbers), but i have a true passion for fiction writing. a lot of what i write currently is fan fiction, and that's simply because i enjoy it. it's easy to get out, it's low stress, no deadlines. i want to write and sell novels one day, but i don't know when that will be.

that brings me to inadequacy. because i'm a good writer. i've always been. maybe that sounds self-involved, but i can recognize my skills. i've always gotten high marks on my writing. technically speaking, i'm very good. but...lately i've been doubting that. and i've been doubting that specifically because of the current culture around writing and fan fiction especially. i'm in several discord servers with a focus on creating, especially fandom creating, and when i try to be active in them, i just feel like i'm going to explode with the way they somehow manage to de-motivate me. i see praise directed at other creators constantly, especially artists. i don't draw, i've tried but i don't feel any joy in practicing it, and so even if i often long to draw the stories in my head, i can't muster enough interest to actually work on improving. but i can understand why art gets the most attention; for how much effort goes into it, there is virtually no effort in seeing it. you can react positively to something someone has spent hours on and not have to put in much effort to actually dissecting their work. i don't say this to bemoan art. i truly love art, and if i had more discipline, i would try to improve my own. but because i struggle with it so much, i know and recognize how much skill and effort and talent goes into it. that's not my problem here. my problem is the double standard.

and, truthfully, i understand why it's harder to persuade people to read your writing than to look at your art. reading is a much more active thing, it will take much longer. that's alright. that's a logic i can accept, but even the people who do read what i write do not react in any positive or excited ways compared to how they might react to art. to reblog art on tumblr, you'll see tags and comments in appreciation. if you post writing on tumblr, you're lucky if it gets any reblogs at all. and you're especially lucky if people do not eventually deride your style or your genre.

and then, here comes what i've been struggling with for weeks, for months. in my attempt to try to be more active in creative communities, i quickly notice how easily they turn to cliques. how the people who are the loudest, with the most content, with the most friends, get praised time and time again. get questions and comments and excited reactions. and when i try to share progress or thoughts, i'm lucky if i get a single heart reaction to mine.

envy is a vile creature. it's easily one of my worst qualities. i like to believe i'm good at hiding it, but truthfully i have no idea. i'm autistic, i have no idea what's readable on my face or what other people's face-reading abilities are. all i know for sure is, i see people getting attention and praise for their writing. i see them get praise for stuff that i consider myself to also be good at (today, i felt particular scorn at watching a friend get praised for their characterization, and i think they deserve it; but i think i deserve it too). i see my content get ignored over and over again while the same people constantly get attention. and i hate that i even think that some of them don't deserve all the praise they get, that's a rude and cruel thing of me to think. but i can't help it, i can't help the way my brain compares what they do to what i do. because what am i missing? what are they doing right that i'm not? what am i doing wrong that they're not?

it hurts the most in spaces that are meant to fascilitate and encourage creativity because it's easiest to compare yourself. it's easy to see writers who you want to be like and recognize that your work isn't good enough. it's easy to see writers who you think you're better than get far more appreciation than you ever had. and it hurts when you've poured your heart and soul into something that means so goddamn much to you, only for it to go completely ignored by a community of people who you're meant to believe are there to be the audience that you wouldn't have otherwise.

and my envy and feelings of inadequacy have grown so much that now i don't even trust compliments from my friends. because all i can think is, they're only saying this to you because you're their friend. they never would have cared if you weren't their friend. they're just being nice. they wouldn't care otherwise. no one else would care otherwise. just give up. just quit. just quit. just quit just quit just quit just quit.

i hate that my first proper post on this website was a self-flaggelating pity party. i don't want my website to be this. i want to write about what i'm passionate about, and i was planning on doing just that. but i've been holding back tears for an hour and a half just because i see one of my peers get praised for something i do and i wonder, when the fuck is it my turn? and if it's never going to be my turn, then why the fuck bother? should i leave these servers? should i delete my ao3? should i quit something i love and something that i'm good at simply because i don't get as much praise as i think i deserve? i don't know. all i know is, i'm almost 27, and i haven't even spoken to a literary agent about a book that i've been working on since 2017. granted, that book isn't nearly ready for publication, but i haven't been working on it. why? because, what if it's never good enough? what if nothing i do is ever good enough? what if i'm deluding myself and my friends are just enabling me? what if the reason i don't get the praise i think i deserve is because i actually don't deserve it? people have better things to do than to falsely raise the hopes of a mediocre writer. i don't give compliments i don't mean. i've tried to master the art of neutral yet positive-sounding comments so i don't have to lie but i also don't have to hurt feelings. but sometimes it's easier to just say nothing. ignore. but the thing about ao3 is, i can see how many people read my writing. and i can see how many people didn't like it. so perhaps i am delusional.